Friday – The greatest Word of them all

I’ve found the most useful word ever uttered by a human tongue. Like,ever. Before I reveal what the word is, I obviously have to dress the occasion up a bit. I mean, it is a pretty big one. So it deserves some big introduction kind thing. And suspense. Never forget suspense.

Now the planet Earth was gorging it down at the downtown McDonalds a few billion years ago. This,understandably, upset it’s stomach pretty badly. This isn’t surprising as McDonalds is widely reported to be the sole culprit of every digestive problem the universe’s inhabitants ever had which consequently resulted in The Big Bang II.  The planet didn’t know that he’d eaten much more than the prescribed safe amount,however. He was practically ODing on that stuff. Now the planet’s enzymes were working extremely hard to digest all those burgers and this took a considerable amount of time. Like,say a few billion years. The fat had been so painstakingly broken down,it would naturally have a lot of dump to shit out, patiently awaiting it’s turn.

Now the shit came out in weird shapes never before seen in the universe. I am not going to describe the whole shape to you because

1) I don’t know the technical terms for most of those shapes.

2) I have better things to do.

I am going to describe only the top part,the roundish shape connected to the rest of the pile by a cylindrical shaped thing,for lack of a better term. On it’s surface you can see distinctly two sockets with smaller ball shaped things rolling in them. Below it there’s a conical protruding structure with two small holes and lots of viscous stuff. Now just below this there’s a curious contraption which emanates various interesting sounds.

Now we zone out for a couple of hundred thousand years and wake up to see what Mother Nature hath indeed stewed for us,the audience. Behold! For the sounds now emanating from the big pile have evolved. The sounds are now used with a purpose,a meaning. A way to communicate with other piles lying everywhere. Some of the sounds are rich and full of color while the others can be described using a simile in conjunction with the sound sources themselves. These piles have also learnt to ascribe various symbols to each distinct sound and document the plethora of  meaningful sounds.(We shall now refer to them as ‘words’)

Now,one of them (*bows*) claims to have found the greatest of them all. Yes! One word to bring them all and in the darkness bind them and all of that..

So without further ado,we shall see the ultimate product of The Big Mac,conceived terribly slowly over aeons culminating in another glorious chapter in the history of the universe. And the word is..

‘Meh.’

That’s right..

It’s the perfect word. Let me explain why.

First,you don’t even have to put a lot of effort saying it. Easiest thing to say. Second, it can be your default reaction to anything anyone ever says to you.

“Have you been eating properly and getting some regular exercise?” – “Meh.”

“How about we go trekking this weekend involving a 2 hour bus journey starting at 8:30 a.m on a Sunday morning?” – “Meh.”

“Clichy is the first casualty of Arsenal’s summer. Fabregas,Nasri next in line.Arshavin,Walcott and RvP to follow next in what has been referred to as the Queue” – “Meh.”

“Why aren’t we buying anyone?!!Wenger is a total dickwad..He’s even had the temerity to be caught holidaying near Corsica when the club is in such a huge crisis!!! With David Dein too..Sack the motherfucker! Burn him!”- “Meh.”

“Arsenal are in tourist class, Barcelona are in business class and any player would want to join us” – “Meh.”

“<Insert Barca player> says he’s in love with Cesc and has been dreaming about what he wants to do to him for years” – “Meh.”

“Gervinho’s gone bald” – “Meh.”

“<Insert transfer rumour>” – “Meh.”

“You’ve just accidentally burned your mattress while writing this. And your rug. Some of your shirts as well.” – “Meh.”

It is the Word,indeed it is also the anti-word rendering human speech redundant forever. It’s the ultimate comeback. It is the answer to Life,Universe and Everything. It is also six into nine. (in base 13). No one can deny it’s destiny to rule all Social Interactions . And I,it’s creator shall create a religion in it’s honour to teach lesser mortals of the virtues of the Rule of Meh. And then he shall be rich! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Additionally,this religion will worship sheep and hold them sacred as they are known to be His Holiness’ The Grand Meh’s favorite things..It also allows you to refer to yourself in the third person..

Footnote : It is worth noting that after thousands of years of human speech,the best word humanity could come up with is a sound that imitates sheep.Make of it,what you will.

Leave a comment